Past Ruminations...

April 8-13, 2002

(April 13, 2002) Ý
Nexus points. Life moves on its own hidden pathways, despite our attempts at control and forceful management. Some of us believe that God alone knows these secret byways; that He alone sees the intricate web of life in all of its interconnected fullness.

Sometimes, in rare moments of clarity, we glimpse a portion of the road, or in a truly significant instant an intersection, along with the revelation that there is a proper choice to make. It appears to me that these nexus moments define our character, since they are not just leaps in the dark, bolstered by applied reason, but pure decisions fed into our central core by those God-given insights. We must clearly say yes or no, and it is a yes or no to something of eternal significance.

I believe these balance points usually involve surrender.  Whether of autonomy, or possession, the moment requires that we let go of something, to let another be the center of the choice, the definer of the way. I have always heard what I believe to be the proper path at this nexus defined as altruism, but that word limits the context and drags something of greater nobility and import into the lesser world of philosophy and genericism. No. It is not altruism; it is agape, a Greek word for a type of love that classically represents personal self sacrifice. But then even agape falls short of the depth needed because it fails to capture the significance of the moment, which if lost, is lost forever; the path if surrendered, cannot be reclaimed; the moment cannot be repeated. I am not sure there is a word in English to describe this juncture, this instant of needful decision. Despite a lack of adequate description, I believe this entity, this moment, this spiritual nexus that stamps our character exists.

I feel I am there, at one of those moments, seeking the grace of God to make the right choice, and then to have the persistence to follow on being a doer, not just a hearer of the word, not just a chooser in my mind, but a doer in my actions.

God, grant my prayerful plea
look deep into the heart of me
help me to choose as you would direct
my choice the right and true path select
and when the moment passes on
with no regrets I can carry on

Amen.

April 12, 2002 Ý
Distractions. During my regular Friday morning Bible study, a friend of mine noted how many distractions there are in the world today. He then reflected on C. S. Lewis' observation that the Devil does his best to get us busy and distracted with this and that so that we don't spend the requisite time on the things of God (prayer, study, worship, spiritual growth, etc.). My friend's thoughts were providentially timed.

It is easier to fight than pray. His thoughts were an interesting lead-in to an article today by Peggy Noonan in the Wall Street Journal. The salient point near the end of the article is

Prayer is the hardest thing. And no one congratulates you for doing it because no one knows you're doing it, and if things turn out well they likely won't thank God in any case. But I have a feeling that the hardest thing is what we all better be doing now, and that it's not only the best answer but the only one.

Back to C. S. Lewis. It would certainly serve the purpose of those opposed to God and His agenda for humanity to keep us focused on the spiraling violence in the Middle East, to get us increasingly wrapped up in the events, counter events, and counter-counter events. Peggy Noonan brings us back to dead center, that center being prayer and God's desire to be at the center of our lives.

Another interesting aside from C. S. Lewis, taken from the movie Shadowlands, speaks to Peggy's reflection. In the movie, Lewis was anguishing in prayer in the university chapel over his wife's bone cancer and had just gotten up when the Bishop saw him. Wanting to console Lewis, the Bishop said something along the lines of "you are praying so earnestly, God will surely hear your prayer." Lewis' strong response (which I hope was true of his real life and not just a dramatic point for the movie) went sort of like "I don't pray to change God, I pray so that God will change me." What was obvious was Lewis' desire for his thinking, desires, and expectations to be aligned with the will of God. I think that truth about the proper balance in our lives in the midst of turmoil and tragedy is an important element of what we need to know right now.

While Mrs. Noonan's article did not entirely mesh with Lewis' desire, I think that a combination of the two is would surely be helpful to us all. We must pray earnestly for the peace of Jerusalem while at the same time desiring that God align our hearts and minds and actions with His will, whatever that might be.

April 11, 2002) Ý
Cascading. A lot has happened since yesterday evening. My poor wife spent the whole day in Atlanta trying to get to Tallahassee, Florida without success. Delta airlines just had too many problems with successive aircraft and her flight was finally cancelled. Since the flights back to Baltimore were all overbooked, her standby status did not help and she had to wait until her original late flight back to BWI. As a result, she got to explore the Atlanta airport, something she did not enjoy.

What a tiring day! The world is certainly taking on an "going slowly out of control" feeling. I lived through the Vietnam era, serving in the Air Force, and the cold war was pretty hot most of those years, but I don't remember it ever feeling this "slippery sloped".

There are so many threads coming together around Islam and terrorism that I have to be careful not to fall into conspiracy-itis. There is so much to think about and so little time for real reflection.

(April 10, 2002) Ý
Hitting the wall. Not much time today. My wife is traveling for a job interview and I am the chauffeur to the airport and back. After working long hours for over 10 years (60+ hours a week with some weeks 80+ hours) with very little respite, I am wondering if there is more to this wall I have been hitting than can be explained by the various depletions I have experienced this year (September 11, stock collapse, my business changes, and the death of my mother). I have always considered myself depression proof, the committed optimist coupled to a stoic approach to getting on with life. Since I can't seem to break out of this lethargy that has weighed me down for several months, maybe there is more to this than just the end of a business as I previously surmised. This is something I will have to think about.

(April 9, 2002) Ý
Teaching an old dog new tricks. I can see this is going to be a difficult habit to get into. Being an ADD (attention deficit disorder) person, I tend to be easily distracted and before I know it several hours have gone by and my best intentions have slipped by the wayside. Oh well. All that really needs to be said about hitting 55 is that I am definitely feeling my mortality. This has been a difficult few months.

It started with the closing of my training center and withdrawal into a home office. It was a bit like dying, giving up my dream of running a "real" business (defined by most people as having an office that is not part of your home), but I had hardly had a chance to begin grieving over that loss when my mother died unexpectedly. Shock number two. Then, because I was effectively closing my business and going solely back into contracting, I had to let go of my all everything person who ran the office . Pam kept me from being overwhelmed by the details and separated me from most of the interruptions. That wall of privacy is now gone. Oh well. I've got to get some real work done, so these thoughts will have to be elaborated upon tomorrow or at some later date. God grant me (and you) grace and peace.

(April 8, 2002) Ý
Beginning. This is the first entry in my web log. While I am a writer and make my living writing, I have never been a very good journal or diary keeper. My hope is that this will prove to be a better effort. One of the reasons I am doing this is to pray better.

Today is my birthday. I am 55. There is a symmetry to that number but in order to appreciate it, I have to first deal with the absolute value of it. I am one year older and one year closer to that monumental moment of destiny which we will all face. To be honest, and that is my hope on these pages, to be always honest, I am not looking forward to this period of life defined to a large degree by aging and the encroachment of death. Like many men my age, I feel I have not succeeded in even partially reaching the expectations that grew hot in my breast as I discovered the potential God gave me. Time grows ever shorter and failure begins to wander about in search of forgiveness.

Enough of that for now and back to the symmetry; it is, after all, my birthday. There only a few times in life that we approach couplets and I won't see anther for eleven more years, God willing. It is these passages that interject moments of lucidity on the general dulling effects of life's passage.